We are never meeting in real life: essays

My Bachelorette application

A blues for Fred

The miracle porker

Do you guys pay your fucking bills or what?

You don't have to be grateful for sex

A Christmas carol

Happy birthday

A case for remaining indoors

A total attack of the heart

A civil union

Mavis

Fuck it, bitch, stay fat

Nashville hot chicken

I'm in love and it's boring

A bomb, probably

The real housewife of Kalamazoo

Thirteen questions to ask before getting married

Yo, I need a job

Feelings are a mistake

We are never meeting in real life.